Year Two, Skill #20: Have Respect

Sometimes I get all tripped up on words. I realize words are my professional tools and precision is important—like a golfer not putting with a driver or a builder not trying to hammer a nail with a wrench.  Word of the week?  Respect.

I hear it all the time:  “I demand respect!”  “I want you to respect my mother.”  “You better show some respect.”  “He doesn’t respect what I say.”

This is a tough one because the word, respect, gets thrown around in my office quite a bit.  Word nerd that I am, I always head for the dictionary.  Here’s what Merriam-Webster has to say: 1. a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, & important, etc.; and 2. a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way.

It strikes me that there is action in these words and that they reflect both feelings and behaviors between people.  Maybe a part of this skill should be “Earn Respect” or “Act Deserving of Respect.”  Sometimes people demand or request a feeling that is just not there for the other person.

I believe that people often get respect confused with other concepts like politeness, decency, and even obedience.  Although you might disagree with the latter conceptual leap, I have asked many a parent over the years what they mean when they are insisting upon the respect of their children.  Their answer? “I want him to do what I say!”  “She should obey me!” While I understand their frustration, respect and obedience are not the same things.

Obedient:  willing to do what someone tells you to do or to follow a law, rule, etc.

There are times I have seen parents attempt to demand respect but have not acted in respectable or admirable ways.  Teaching a kid to be polite to an authority figure as a life skill is valuable.  Trying to make them feel something different in the face of their experience is likely futile.  While one might not feel respect, we can certainly act with respect and we can behave in a polite manner.  Whether or not we actually like someone does not matter—there are times and circumstances in which we need to treat another person with decency.

Polite:  having or showing good manners or respect for other people; or socially correct or proper.

Decent:  polite, moral, and honest behavior and attitudes that show respect for other people; or decency: the behavior that people in a society consider to be proper or acceptable

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So why now?  Why this skill in October 2016?  Am I just on a professional rant?  No.  It is because we are standing at the precipice of a sociopolitical chasm.  The next 2-3 months (and very likely beyond) may be the greatest divide we have faced as a nation in recent decades.  Pair that with a social media culture of unedited thoughts and opinions and it could continue to get nastier. Behind the relative safety of a computer screen, people are increasingly willing to say things they might be more diplomatic about if they were face-to-face.

There has always been room in our country for differing opinions—it is a basic principle upon which we were founded:  Our forefathers wanted a chance to worship in a way that was not dictated by governing bodies. Our founders wanted to be able to express political criticisms without persecution.  It is who we are.

So if we want to live in a civilized society and we truly believe in our founding principles, we ought to at least act civilly—with some degree of politeness and decency. We do not have to feel respect for certain opinions or people.  But if we want to live in a civilized society and we truly believe in our country’s founding principles, we ought to at least behave respectfully—with some degree of politeness and decency.  Especially with those we love and who we otherwise admire.  My hope is that we are able to ACT with respect—if nothing else, at least on principle, for an office, or for our relationships.

If we want to live in a civilized society and we truly believe in our country’s founding principles, we ought to at least act respectfully—with some degree of politeness and decency.

So how might we have respect with each other?

• Communicate without contempt
• Refrain from insulting the other person
• Truly listen to the others’ thoughts
• Search for the personal meaning behind another’s opinions
• Appreciate another’s experience as their own—whether you share it or not
• Understand that not every issue is polarized in its objectives
• Recognize that there is room between black and white for gray
• Actively look for common ground
• Don’t confuse frustration for hostility or disrespect

This political season has been long and messy—and our differing views will prevail.  But can we not accept those differences as a part of the fabric that makes us marvelous?  I hope that we can.  So regardless of our feelings, let’s all practice behaving with respect.  I believe that engenders the respect of others.

Have Respect because Life is Messy and Life is Marvelous.

Rhea