Year Two, Skill #24: Know When You’ve Gone Too Far

One of my favorite sayings came from my friend, Pete (also a psychologist), back when we worked with college students:

If you’re wondering if you’ve crossed the line,       look behind you.”

It’s a bad feeling to realize you’ve gone too far—no matter what the context.  I try to avoid that line as much as possible but we all misjudge at times.  I always think of the old RoadRunner cartoons of my childhood and Wile E. Coyote when he goes blasting off the edge of a cliff and, when suspended in magical carton timing, looks down into the abyss then back at the audience with a sudden knowing.  Yep. That’s what it feels like to me.

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Maybe I’ve become old and grumpy, but more and more it feels like crossing the line is perfectly fine.  As I reflected on this topic, I wondered when this behavior became acceptable.  I immediately thought of Jerry Springer.  Whether you’ve ever watched his ‘talk’ show or not, most people would know what you meant if you described something as a “Jerry Springer moment.”  It would mean losing your cool, leaping up, screaming at someone, and likely throwing a chair.  Not OK. Ever.

Maybe that was the start of bad reality TV…I don’t know.  Both are coincidentally credited to have begun around 1991.  That’s 25 years of widely marketed bad behavior.

stophandBut I don’t think that is how most people live or behave.  I do, however, think it has lowered the bar for what we deem acceptable.  And sadly, we have a generation of folks for whom that type of behavior has always been available on the screen.  I emphasize in my Psychology of Marriage class that it is not helpful to look at someone and let your unedited thoughts fly.  And yet, that is marketed as “reality.”  Nope.

Part of the problem is differentiating between what is ‘normal’ and what is ‘commonplace.’  Many years ago, I met with a church youth minister.  He stated, “I know it’s normal for teenagers to scream, ‘I hate you’ at their parents…”  I stopped him.  “No—maybe it’s been allowed, perhaps too often, but that does not make it ‘normal.’”  Not only is it not normal, but it’s damaging—to the recipient of that type of contempt, absolutely to the relationship, and likely to the speaker.

The science on the impact of conflict and hostility on our immune systems is not even new—it also dates back about 25 years.  There was a great article in 1992 in the New York Times that reviewed the research on this connection in a community of monkeys as well as in humans.  It remains timely and relevant.  The fact persists that affiliative behaviors even boost our immune functioning.  Yes, love wins. Every time.

If this sounds familiar, you’re right.  We have written about this in many ways:  a few weeks ago, Amy wrote “Use a Filter”; last year, I wrote “Know Your Limits”.  It’s a message worth repeating.

stopbeachThe 1990s also gave rise to the field of Positive Psychology and looking at people’s strengths vs. simply looking at people’s deficits.  One emergent model that examined the competencies that help us cope more efficiently is Dr. Reuven Bar-On’s measure of Social and Emotional Intelligence.  It lists 3 of the five most distinctive characteristics as Interpersonal Relationship, Impulse Control, and Emotional Self-Awareness.  From that, we could devise a simple formula for Skill #24: self-awareness + impulse control = not going too far = better relationships.

Skill #24: self-awareness + impulse control = not going too far = better relationships -LiM2 Click To Tweet

I am particularly a fan of Drs. Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson and their work on Character Traits and Virtues (take their test here).  The virtue that applies here is Temperance—defined as containing “Strengths that protect against excess.” Two of those specific strengths are Prudence (being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted) and Self-regulation (self-control; being disciplined; controlling one’s appetites and emotions).  It’s not just verbal line crossing—it can be excess in general.

Left unchecked, there is no end to going too far.

tunnel-limitlessDave Matthews got it in his song Too Much: “I’ve got it coming to me because I’m not satisfied. The hunger keeps on growing. I drink too much, eat too much, want too much, too much…ten times in the same day I need more, I’m going over my borders, I’m going to take more, more…

Left unchecked, there is no end to going too far.

In the coming weeks, there will be many opportunities for us to go too far: to eat too much, drink too much, say too much, accuse too much, preach too much, push too much, maybe even pontificate too much…so I’ll just stop here.  You get it.

Keep these thoughts in mind, in the messy weeks to come, and practice Skill #24 in Year Two of LiM2 and Know When You’ve Gone Too Far.  Maybe even a bit before you’ve gone off the cliff and it’s too late.

Rhea

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